plant in concrete still alive

Ohhhh, whooooa, I’m still alive…

I am a creature of habit. Once I get into a routine, I pretty much like to stay there. It’s comfortable. It’s safe. I like to know what to expect. As much as I’d like to convince myself that I’m a freewheeling spontaneous type, this isn’t really the case unless I’m having impulse control issues, and that’s rather the exception than the rule.

So when Junior came to live with me two weeks earlier than planned in March, and my routine went flying out the window, I immediately went into mental health damage control mode. I’m still here, I’m still alive, just flopping around somewhat like a fish out of water.

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gratitude adjustment blacksmith

Gratitude adjustment: Accepting the foreboding joy of financial freedom

Brené Brown is a researcher who writes about vulnerability, empathy, courage, shame, and other uplifting topics related to living a whole-hearted existence. I’ve always enjoyed her work and how she pairs an analytical approach with a wry sense of humor.

One thing she wrote about that left me gobsmacked was an experience she calls “foreboding joy.”

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manic self-deception i can fly feet

The biggest manic self-deception ever: “I can manage this”

I was talking with my therapist the other day about starting this blog, and how it has helped me really get honest with myself about the financial damage hypomania has done in my life. Manic self-deception is a bitch. More than anything, this has left me feeling vulnerable because even if I try as hard as I can to reach FI, I’m one episode away from f***ing it all up again. It’s not awesome to feel like I’m not in control of the outcome.

While we were talking, she used an analogy to describe this retroactive helplessness that manic self-deception creates: “It’s like you feel that you are occasionally possessed by an alien force that you have no control over.”

And I made a squinty face and said, “Ehhhhhhh, welllllll, maybe, but it’s more insidious than that.”  There was a metaphor that fit much better.

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making space empty room

Making space vs. making money

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move books.

Because I’m getting ready to move in a month, I’ve been using my weekends lately to go through boxes in the garage. Lucky me! I get to decide what stuff I can get rid of that I didn’t bother to unpack after the last move! It is definitely time for a grand purge and making space.

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